Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
