I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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