I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
