i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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