watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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