You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
