party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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