Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
