This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
