Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
