What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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