his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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