I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
