Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
