why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
