The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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