in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
