The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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