I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Life is so much better after having sex.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
