dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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