Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How does one acquire holy water?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
