Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
