btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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