i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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