Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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