The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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