Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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