He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
