brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
