i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have fence marks all over my body
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
