I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
