Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
