I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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