i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
