All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
