I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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