He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
