Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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