Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im holly from the hills drunk
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
