lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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