Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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