did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
