Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We are two peas in an std pod
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"