You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
