I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
