i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.