people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.