I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?