see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
