Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
