Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
