I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
