I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
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The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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