apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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