Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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