Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
