I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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