Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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