I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
