My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
