just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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