I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
