ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
