I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
