My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
