I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I want a musical about memes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
