After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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